Now that's what you call ROAD KILL. Dead hippos, dead trucks, dead cranes... Yes it could only mean another dispatch from 'The Dark Continent' from Biglorryblog's 'Good Man in Africa' Jerry Burley. And if you're of a nerevous disposition..ook away now. "Its been an 'interesting' couple of days for some of us here."says JB. "But first our regular natural history lesson. Well, that two tonne hippo is now history anyway. A fine example that happened this week, on a main road, when the wildlife and a bush-bound-bus doing 'Warp-Factor-5-Jim-we're-breakin'-up speed' had a head-butting contest. The hippo lost and even the bus, seen here from its undamaged behind checking out the scenery by the roadside, wasn't too pretty at the other end of it all either. Bit bigger than the average badger or red deer, and even they can still take the chin spoiler off your pimped up Ferrari I guess. We get the occasional case of similar comings-together with elephants, but that's for another day.... Now click through here for more mechanical mayhem featuring Team Burley' and a lot of dead trucks...
But to give you a taste of what's to come try this...
JB continues: "As you already know, we had to bring "young" Chris More (he IS actually old Vic, unlike me) back to civilisation recently, to get the bee stings removed from his face and reunited with their-duly deprived bees. It was a long process, not helped by the pain in our sides from laughing at each subsequent squeak from Piss Poor as one pulsating sting sack after the next was tweezered out. Anyway, a few days of dulling the pain with Uganda Breweries finest Magic Bee Sting Potion and he was away up the road again to northern Uganda. More of that in a second."
Back to Chris, who was wending his merry way back to Obongi, that heaving, neon metropolis in the heart of northern Uganda clubland, where we have a sophisticated vehicle workshop as you can see. Look at this photo closely as there is an observation test coming up. As he approached the camp, on the newly-made murram road, bless my little blue cotton socks but there was a big blue tipper in the ditch. Difficult to tell why but then, hey, Lady Luck can throw the odd bum dice. The inevitable special forces operative was there, securing the perimeter with a machine gun."
"A quick satellite phone call and a sprint in with the grader had this quickly recovered and on its way rejoicing. The clock was ticking so our Chris knew he had better get on back to camp."
"Well, blow me if around the next corner another tipper hadn't done an Olga Korbett for 'Neuf Points' and was on its side in another ditch. This was a bit more than a simple roll-back with a grader, so send for the crane." Well we all know what's coming next don't we...?
"Which made it as far as the next but one corner before it, too, found a convenient muddy ditch to lie in, presumably as an excuse not to work? Warthogs do this too. I understand Chris by now was thinking that 300 bee stings were preferable to a return to work (is that what we actually do?) and was now exercising his full command of the English language. The BBC non-approved kind."
Eventually he made it back to camp some dirty, sweaty hours later, to be greeted by a flustered camp mechanic. "Boss, you first come. The car. The gate. What. We have big problem."
Did you look carefully at that photo earlier?" asks Jerry. "Notice what state the front of the car was in? Here's a close up if you didn't, and also of what it hit. History is blurred as to the end-game regarding that particular driver. Not bad for a single day's work in anyone's book. And I'm not sure our Chris actually did any meaningful work at all that day."
"And you can see, from the other close-up pic, what some wag has christened the vehicle workshop. You will agree, no comment needed, other than "OIA"! The beautiful beer sirens - and they will as ever get even more beautiful as the evening progresses - are now calling me from the hilltops. 'Til next time. Regards, Jerry." Mmmm wonder which insurance broker he deals with? Great stuff JB.
I sometimes wonder, Jerry, whether you actually pay people to drive trucks and cranes and bulldozers off the road and into ditches just so you can get some good photos for your marvellous stories!